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motylik
15 December 2005 @ 02:22 pm
Okey, so this is the end. ;) I'm really awefully sorry it took me so long but college has been awefully exhausting. Plus there's christmas around the corner so I didn't actually have a lot of free time.
Tell me what you think please. I'm never actually sure how I feel about my writing. *lol*


Previously: Jerked out of her thoughts by the suddenly ringing doorbell, Lauren tries not to think too much about who it might be. The hopeful side of her had been crushed a couple of too many times these past few weeks.

Part 8:

But right now it has reason enough to start a whole parade. Lauren gulps down her surprise, trying to look less thrilled than she feels.
‘He was an ass all these past weeks,’ is her current mantra. She can’t let him see that she is happy that he finally came.
Scott tries to cough away his nervousness, but looking at Lauren, who hasn’t moved an inch since she opened the door, his nervousness just increases.
"Uhm, Hi."
Lauren raises her eyebrows, before she greets him back. A simple Hi won’t get him inside her house he knows now.
"Well, I wanted to, for a while now, well." He can see that her patience is running thin fast, forgetting anything he had prepared, he decides to just plunge right ahead. And pray to come out of it unharmed.
"I’m sorry. For everything. I’ve been a colossal asshole, and you don’t deserve that, and I’m really really sorry. Could we please discuss this inside?"
He can see the battle going on inside Lauren, and instantly hates himself for putting her in such a position in the first place. His first instinct is to apologize again, but he somehow knows that if he uses that too often she’ll stop believing that he is serious about this.
Changing his approach, he fleetingly prays that this won’t make everything even worse.
"I just thought, you know we have to work together, so we at least have to find some sort of truce or middle ground or whatever. If for nothing else than for our work."

The shift in her eyes and thinking is visible before she even moves an inch. Wordlessly letting him inside she marches right into her living room, leaving him to close the door.
He is surprised to find that she seems less furious than hurt. That momentarily throws him for a loop since he is used to dealing with an angry and seething Lauren, but hurt? That’s new, and completely his fault too.

They stand in her living room a couple of feet away from each other, Lauren’s arms protectively crossed in front of her, Hannah watching them with interest from her corner of the room. He can tell that she is trying not to think, not to go through all the scenarios of what could happen in her head. It is hard to try and not to expect anything from a situation, he knows this all too well, constantly fighting to push his hopes that she might forgive him into the back of his mind.

"You wanted to talk?"
‘No wonder she’s so good at poker. Neither her voice, nor her face give anything away. Damn.’
"I just. Well I just wanted to really apologize again. I would have brought flowers but I didn’t think that would really help anything. I’ve been an ass. Not only today and before you left, but before that too." He is doing a good job talking around the thing without really calling it by name and he really hopes he will get through with it.
"Honestly. I don’t even know how to start to excuse any of my behaviour lately. I am constantly trying to come up with anything that I could do to make this better, but other than apologizing over and over there isn’t really anything more I can do."
He looks at her expectantly then, slightly disappointed by the fact that Lauren still seems cold to him. And he is running out of ideas fast. Raising both of his eyebrows he tries to signal to her that it was her turn to say something.

"What do you want me to do? Give you a hug and say everything is forgiven? Just because you apologized, finally I might add?"
Scott is surprised by the hurt in her voice that is only barely covered by anger. He wavers long enough for Lauren to think that he has no answer to that. And when her eyes fill with something that he can’t quite identify he is for the first time forced to face the reality of the situation. He might have screwed up so bad that this time he won’t be able to charm his ways back into her good graces.

Lauren takes a deep breath, thinking that now is better than never, she tries to at least somehow ask the one question plaguing her mind ever since that one night.

"I would have loved to ask you why you left that night, but I was afraid that I didn’t want to know the answer."
He is startled by the shift in the conversation, startled that she is giving him at least some sort of chance to explain himself. Watching her stand across from him, looking as if she was facing a battle she didn’t know if she came out of alive, not able to meet his eyes, he decides that she deserves to know the truth. He would answer the question she had been too afraid to ask, and he would try to not lose the only woman who he had been compelled to be honest with completely.

"I was scared." Scott is surprised how easy it is to confess it aloud to her, he even feels relieved somehow.

Lauren looks up at him, and their eyes meet for the first time since their talk turned into this and he can see the surprise in the blue oceans looking at him. She seems to be seeing him for the first time, while their eyes have a conversation of their own. For the first time he doesn’t feel like he needs to look away and hopes that she won’t break their connection either.

"Daniel proposed. Well sort of. He said he was planning to but that he would wait, given the situation."

Scott is somehow aware that they lost their grip on the situation ever since their eyes met. His brain isn’t fully conscious of how that information has to do with anything, but his heart seems to know all too well. He can see that Lauren isn’t fully sure why she said that either, and it would be comical how they seemed to repress this so much that it became something completely separate from their conscious thoughts, if it all weren’t so serious and heartbreaking.

Lauren looks at him, trying to decipher his reaction. After all she didn’t just say it out of fun, now, did she? They are venturing into unknown territory and she is trying to suppress the feeling of floating somewhere above without a safety net below.

"I didn’t know you two were that serious."
She is somehow surprised when his answer finally comes. The anger comes up again and she can’t really help it.

"Should you have? Plus I didn’t either." ‘I have to get a grip on my temper.’ Lauren starts hoping that her short outburst, followed by a peace offering right after, won’t completely destroy their connection. She has a feeling that if they don’t hash it out now, they never will.

Scott takes a deep breath. He isn’t really sure whether he is prepared to tell her what he is about to say, but there is no way he can stand it if they beat around the bush any longer.

"I can’t tell you not to date him. For one it’s only really your business who you date and secondly I don’t think I could do or deal with what that would imply. You know that I don’t do commitment, and even as I tried to tell myself that I could do it I know that I would only be fooling myself. And I don’t want to hurt you, or break your heart, anymore than I already did."

Lauren’s shoulders visibly sag during Scott’s speech and she fights to not break their gaze.
She tries to get a handle on her emotions, knowing that there is no other way than to be mature about this, despite the fact that she wants nothing more than to be six years old and whine through this until she gets what she wants.

"I don’t do casual."

Scott nods, feeling incredibly better now that their feelings are at least partly out in the open.

"You shouldn’t. You deserve more." Grinning at the brunette woman in front of him, he knows that he’ll probably never stop feeling about her the way he does now. But knowing that somehow she feels the same, that she is mourning what could have been the way he is, makes it all better. He at least doesn’t feel that much alone.

Lauren can’t help but grin back at him. She can’t help but marvel at how the man across from her always manages to charm his way back into her good books. Although this is only the beginning, he still has a lot of making up to do.

They are standing there, grinning at each other like fools, for a couple of long minutes until the silence starts to get too awkward and Lauren can’t help but break it. Patience never was her virtue anyway.

"So, what does this mean?"

Immediately sobering up, Scott realises that it will take a while before he is left off the hook, and she really deserves every minute of it.

"I thought, maybe we can be friends? For a start? And see how that goes?"
‘Damn you Patterson. You could have left that hopeful hint at the future out of it.’

He sees the wheels turning in her head, and fears that maybe she’ll finally lose it and will slap him for even trying to imply that there ever might be anything other than friendship ahead of them as a possibility. But the hit never comes, instead she smiles a shy smile, that soon turns into a full fledged grin when she notes his discomfort.

"Fine, that sounds reasonable."
Lauren begins to laugh uncontrollably when Scott lets out a breath of relief at that and he can’t help but chuckle with her.
"You know that I’m still sorry for how I behaved. And I always will be."
The smile he gets in return makes him believe that one day they are going to be alright, and that’s more than he could hope for.
Moving in for a quick hug, he notices for the first time that Lauren really looks beat.
"You know I called my friend the general, but they didn’t let me get through to him. If I find out anything new, I’ll let you know. I really hope your friend is okay."
There’s a twinkle in her eyes, he can’t quite identify when she thanks him for his concern, but maybe one day he’ll understand.

She is leading him out of the door when he finally gets the courage to ask, what had been plaguing his mind ever since their conversation started.
"What will you tell Daniel?"

She shrugs her shoulders in response, gives him a mysterious smile and one of her awkward winks, before she ushers him out of her house with a quick, "See you tomorrow."
Standing in front of her closed door, he chuckles to himself, feeling light-headed and immensely happy at the way this had gone. She could have after all just kicked him out much earlier.

Lauren leans against the door, thinking, that with one thing less weighing heavy on her mind, breathing had suddenly become much easier. Figuring everything out didn’t seem that bad anymore either, since now at least, she had some sort of idea where Scott stood on the whole topic.

Amy’s POV:

I have no idea what happened after Alexis and I left Lauren alone, but something must have, because Scott and Lauren’s relationship has been miraculously repaired. Not only are they civil to each other, they are nice to each other! Matt is having a field day with the speculations but he is getting absolutely nowhere. Lauren has already promised Alexis and I that she would invite us over for dinner and spill the beans finally if we would just be able to be patient up until then. So that’s what I’m doing. I’m being patient, although watching Lauren and Scott laugh comfortably together during their lunch break isn’t helping to quell my curiosity. But when it comes down to it, I don’t care what their problem was or how they solved it, as long as they did and everything is alright again.
I really was worried for a while, because both of them deserve to be happy and neither looked like they were.
Sometimes I marvel at how stupid those two are. They seem to not be able to see what is right in front of them. If they could just quit being so stubborn and find some sort of middle ground. They’d make a hell of a couple then. And I would have partly brought them together because they met during the shooting of my show. That would make me really proud.
Just imagine the beautiful babies those two would have. Well I can at least write that into the show, maybe then it’ll happen in real life too. The blue eyes the babies would have would truly be mind blowing!
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motylik
25 November 2005 @ 01:53 pm
Okey. So I know I didn't update for a long time because I've had a lot to do and I'm in kind of a phunk and didn't want to project it on the fic but now I'm just thinking whatever. (My GG wasn't taped today because the stupid newspaper said something wrong. Can you tell I'm not amused?)

Anyway, I know I'm gonna sound like ASP but trust me. It does have to get worse before it can get better. ;) Please leave a comment after reading because I'm really not sure about this part. I wrote it before anything else months ago when I came up with the idea and I had been tweaking and changing, and rechanging ever since. *lol*

Btw whoever notices my slight little dig against one of our favourite journalists gets lots of brownie points. ^^

Part 7:
The atmosphere on set has changed considerably. Everyone is speculating what is causing Lauren to skip work without prior notice for more than a day. It was bad enough when she just left the first day, but just not showing up? That is diva like. Or so everyone thinks. It doesn’t matter that Amy reprimands everyone she sees gossiping that Lauren has explained herself to her and that Lauren’s disappearance is perfectly fine with the bosses too. That seems to worsen the situation even more. The pity everyone felt for her after Scott’s outburst has obviously changed into anger over being out of the loop and having changes of schedules because scenes with Lauren are being postponed.

This is the second day that Lauren hasn’t come into work, obviously not counting the one when she just up and left, and everyone’s patience is running out. Amy, Alexis and Melissa are getting more and more fed up about the way people are talking about Lauren, Scott is moping around and screwing up lines so that his scenes have to be re-shot several times. And everyone else is busy speculating. The rumours are getting more and more out of hand every day, and it’s really a blessing that they haven’t so far leaked out to the press, or at least to the believable sources. Well apart from the information that Lauren and Scott had another fight recently. Which really isn’t a rumour but the plain and painful truth.

Alexis POV:

When I see Lauren park her car next to mine as I’m getting out of it the next day I feel like I want to do summersaults or something as a celebration. Without warning I run over to her and hug her as hard as I can without killing her in the process. She looks tired, worn out and there is a sadness around her eyes that wasn’t there before. Before I can however ask her what’s up Amy is running toward us enveloping us both in a bone crushing hug. Lauren smiles at us and I can see that she is relieved we aren’t mad. I can feel my stomach drop at that thought. Boy I really hope everyone will stay professional. Poor Lauren doesn’t look like she can take much more. And I know Amy and I won’t take much more Lauren bashing.

I’m thrown out of my reverie when I realise that Amy is dragging Lauren away.
“We will talk over lunch?” I shout after her retreating back.
She turns and gives me a shy smile and a wave, and it really feels good to have her back on the set.

When Matt comes up to me, he looks surprised by the huge grin that I’m sure is gracing my features.
“Lauren’s back!” I practically sing as a way of greeting.
He gives me a smile in return.
“Really? That’s great. I would have bet though that she would skip today, too. Since her first scene is with Scott, you know.”
What a way to ruin my good mood.
The only way how to quell the dread and worry inside me is to go and watch their first scene. If they survive that one then the cost is clear and I can stop worrying. Or that’s what I hope at least.

“I think I’m going to watch them shoot that first scene. Just out of curiosity.”
Why am I not surprised that Matt wants to accompany me?
Everything looks still peaceful when we arrive. It looks like word that Lauren is back already leaked out, because everyone looks way more relaxed than they did these past few days. Hopefully it will stay that way too.
Scott comes up and I can’t help but notice that he looks tense. More tense than I have ever seen him look. But less angry than he did yesterday. So he knows she’s back too. Matt and I exchange a glance of worry when Amy accompanied by Lauren come up and stand close to where Scott and the director are standing. Both Scott and Lauren are trying to not look at each other, and I feel the dread inside of me multiply. Please God, let this end well, Lauren doesn’t look like she can take much more. Even from where I’m standing she looks exhausted. I would really like to know what could have happened these past days to make her look like that.

I think Matt wants to go closer so we can hear what is being said but I don’t think that is such a good idea. They might start a fight just because they feel like they are being watched and I really don’t want to be the reason of any commotion.

I wink at Lauren before they start to shoot and she gives me a shy smile back. Okay something is definitely wrong. Where did that grin I’m so used to disappear to?

Matt and I release a breath we didn’t realise we had been holding when the first minute of shooting goes over without a hitch. Everyone around seems relieved and the tension lifts for a second.
But that’s exactly when it happens. Lauren messes up a line. Not in an extraordinary way. Not even any important line. Everyone messes up lines here and there but it seems that Scott, who has been nothing but messing up lines this past week, has forgotten that.
He hasn’t said a word but I can see him getting angrier by the second. He seems to grow bigger then. And Lauren looks like she is preparing herself for a blow. Amy has already started to run over to them but I know she will be too late. Funny how moments like these seem to stretch for an eternity.

“This is unbelievable! Not only that you disappear for days, which of course is totally welcome when Queen Lauren does it, but would be frowned upon when anyone else would do it, but you’re also not professional enough to learn the fucking lines!! I can’t believe how you got this job, did you sleep with one of the producers? Or was that where you were? Somewhere with one of your boyfriends? And how could you disturb my break a couple of days back, when you obviously didn’t really have anything important to talk about anyway!”

I don’t think I have seen Lauren this mad ever before. I don’t even think I was ever this mad at Scott before.

“You want to know where I have been? You have my phone number! All it would have taken was to ask! And how can you even say that I had nothing important to talk about! Do you remember that talk we had about the war in Iraq? How one of my friends, Markus, is serving there under one of your friends, who is a general? That is what I wanted to discuss! I got a phone call that day in the early morning, the letters or telegraphs they usually send are probably out of style or something, that Markus has gone MIA. I just wanted to know if your friend had too or if he had maybe more information about Markus!
And I’ll get to where I was right away too, because I know you all have been dying to know that! Markus enlisted without telling his parents, so the military had me as the person to contact if something were to happen. And I had to share the great news with his parents and family and friends!
I won’t even get to the rest of your accusations because they are not even worth being heard.
Thank you for *everything* Scott!!”
She sends him one last withering glare, her eyes filled with tears before she’s gone.
I look at Amy and realise that we are both running after Lauren. I haven’t even really wrapped my mind about what Lauren revealed earlier. Damn. Now I know why Amy was so adamant about Lauren having a reason to stay away from work and everyone leaving her alone. This has to be awfully hard on Lauren. The only thing I know is that Markus is one of Lauren’s best friends, and has been since her early childhood. If his parents still live where they used to, she even had to fly over there, because really, news like these shouldn’t be shared over the phone.

And the malice in her voice when she said the everything in her last sentence. Kind of makes me think there is something that she hasn’t told me yet. I really hope we will catch up with her or she’ll be at home when we get there.

Home:

They catch up with Lauren on the parking lot, and taking the keys from her, direct her to her car. Amy drives them to Lauren’s house, while Alexis sits in the back with Lauren, worriedly holding the other woman’s hand while she stares out of the window. They haven’t asked her if she is alright, because the tears and sniffles, accompanied with how out of it she looks, answer that for her.
As they get into her house, Lauren speaks for the first time, her voice hoarse from the crying.
“Thank you both, but you don’t have to stay with me. I’m sure you have work to do.”
As always Amy reacts first.
“Nonsense. We won’t leave you alone until we have at least partly cheered you up. So what do you want to drink? Do you want to watch TV or something?”
Lauren nods signalling that she’s fine with anything, while making her way over to the couch. Alexis immediately sits down next to her and puts her head on the older woman’s shoulder.
“I missed you. It’s good that you’re back.”
Lauren’s sniffle turns into a half-laugh. “I missed you too, kiddo.”

Amy brings them all drinks and sits down on the armchair next to the couch, peering over her glass at Lauren, who is hypnotising hers.

“Okay, I’m not good with patience, and I know that you probably don’t want to talk about it although you should, but I’m gonna ask anyway. Do you have any news on Markus? How is he?”

“No. I don’t have any news. He’s still MIA.”
Alexis, encouraged by Amy having started the discussion, did what she thought would be best, a head on attack.

“What did Scott think that you wanted to talk about before you went MIA?”
Lauren winces, and Alexis immediately tries to backtrack.
“Sorry. Wrong choice of words. But you know what I mean.”
Taking a deep breath, Lauren looks up into the expectant faces of her two friends. “Well, I do think that you deserve to know, both of you do, but I can’t talk about it. Not now when everything has gotten even more complicated.”
Knowing that this was non-negotiable with Lauren, the other two woman nod their understanding, changing the topic to something lighter. They were here to cheer her up anyway.

A few hours later Lauren looks much better, but still tired, so they decide to give her a break so she can rest. Hugs are exchanged and Lauren is alone at home for the first time since that damn phone call. But not for too long.
Jerked out of her thoughts by the suddenly ringing doorbell, Lauren tries not to think too much about who it might be. The hopeful side of her had been crushed a couple of too many times these past few weeks.
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motylik
03 November 2005 @ 10:12 pm
So I realised that I didn't make Scott look that much better in this one, so I decided to write the last part of this chapter now and not later. ;) so you guys wouldn't freak out. ^^ read and review. you know the drill :D

Part 6:
Matt’s POV:

For the thousandth time today I’m thinking that I should invest more time in learning my lines than trying to figure out the private life of my co-stars. Although now-a-days it’s practically a sport on the set, like ‘Does-That-Hurt?’ was a few years back. Boy have I heard funny stories about that.

Huh. That’s strange. Why is Lauren going over to where Scott is standing even though they don’t have to shoot anything together today? They haven’t talked outside of work together for ages.
Seems like everyone on set is thinking that! Poor Lauren. Even I would feel paranoid after this. Everyone has stopped what they are doing to go over there and watch. Myself included. I know it’s not the nicest thing, but I do have a feeling that this won’t go over well. It’s always better to have witnesses for later.

I haven’t noticed how tired Lauren looks, and sad. Damn something’s up, something big too if she looks like someone has chewed her up and spit her out again. I have to ask Alexis. Maybe she knows.
Now Lauren has arrived next to Scott. He is facing away from her and talking to some props-guy, who looks frightened. Can’t blame him. No one would like to be in the middle of something that they have no idea of what it is about.
Lauren delicately clears her throat and looks startled when Scott does turn around. But he looks even more startled that she is even in his vicinity. This has been very amusing so far.

“We need to talk.”

Wow. And she even held eye contact. Although Scott’s reaction to that doesn’t look very good. He looks angry, although I have no idea why.

“We have nothing to talk about! I didn’t think you’d be this dense! I thought I made myself and my intentions perfectly clear!”

Ouch. Lauren looks like she was slapped. We are all bracing ourselves for the comeback, but it doesn’t come. She looks decidedly crushed and near tears. There’s a silence that covers us all, and I feel like no one is breathing. I haven’t seen Lauren look like this off camera ever. And I never want to see her like that again.

Scott has visibly deflated and his anger is gone. He looks like he is kicking himself right now. Deserves it too.

Lauren takes a deep breath, she’s looking anywhere but at him, and I wonder why she hasn’t fled yet.
“I .. I … Didn’t.” Oh boy. She gulped. And she has tears in her eyes. I would hug her if I could, but somehow I can’t move.
“I didn’t want to talk about that.” That? What is that?

Scott looks really concerned now and reaches out, but Lauren shies away from his touch. And understandably so. She looks like she is contemplating whether to finish this discussion without talking to him about what she obviously thinks is important enough to withstand a scene like this or whether to give him another chance. I somehow hope she will fight.

I was concentrating so hard on those two that I completely missed someone running toward us. Someone I don’t recognise. Someone who is calling Lauren’s name. Maybe a fan?

But that thought quickly turns to dust when Lauren turns and immediately upon seeing the stranger her eyes light up. And she smiles a big smile that makes her even more radiant than ever. Who can bring her to turn from tears and sadness to this in mere seconds? It looks like everyone around is trying to figure this out. Scott looks stunned, and even somehow crushed, but I can’t bring myself to feel pity for him.

Lauren cries out “Fly!” and it takes a while to register that that is the guy’s name. Boy I sure hope that it is his nickname. They hug, and without as much as a glance back he leads her away in the direction of the parking lot.

Well. Now I am more confused than ever. It is nice to know that everyone else shares that sentiment thought. Even Scott looks lost for a second before he gets himself under control, glares at everyone around and marches off toward his trailer.

I know for a fact that Daniel is still Lauren’s boyfriend, so who is Fly? And what did Lauren want to talk about with Scott? Why did she look so tired and sad? And what is it that she didn’t want to talk about?

I have to go and find Alexis. Maybe she will know at least something.

Amy’s POV:

It’s hard to get everyone to work according to schedule, but normally it isn’t a big deal, because everyone on set is trying their best. But today? After Lauren’s disappearance and that commotion preceding said disappearance everyone has gone ballistic with gossip. And no one has any idea what this could be about. Scott has been bordering on hostile every time someone comes near enough to him to be able to say something, and I really hope that he is kicking himself inside. Because his behaviour toward Lauren was really obnoxious today from what I have heard.

When I finally have the time to sit down behind my desk to go over some paperwork I notice a note lying there that wasn’t there before. It’s written in Lauren’s handwriting.
I pray for a second that she isn’t quitting, before I convince myself that Lauren wouldn’t do that. It’s just my irrational fear coming through once again.

As I read the note I sigh from relief, and become more and more worried with every word. She apologizes for taking off today, explains that she just can’t work today, and the next few days. Saying that she is awfully sorry for the inconvenience that it will cause. How can she think I would fire her for taking a few days off without prior notice? You can’t always plan ahead. I can’t help but think that even when Lauren is this upset she manages to torture me just a bit. I am really eager to skip half of what she wrote to get to the explanation at the bottom. But that wouldn’t be fair, nor wise. Lauren has a way with words and writing and she might have a reason to have chosen the structure she did.
But if I read one more apology I will burst.

Oh my God. Well I do think that her reason is more than good enough to skip work. I really wouldn’t want to be in her shoes right now.



Scott remembers “The Night After”:

I remember it like it was yesterday, and sometimes it even haunts my dreams and my conscious thoughts. Despite the fact that I at least couldn’t see the hurt in her eyes like that one time I screwed up at WB party, I know that what I did that morning was far worse. I know because it kills me so much more.
I remember that even when I wasn’t quite awake yet, when I was still trapped between slumber and waking, that I immediately knew that it was Lauren beside and on top of me in bed.
Waking up with Lauren was different than waking up with any other woman ever had been. I laid there, watching her, amazed that this was finally reality, bathing in the feeling of her there. Until she stirred, and I suddenly, with a sinking feeling realised that when she woke up we would have to discuss this. Have to deal with this. And she is someone who would want commitment.
I know, and I knew then, somehow I probably always knew, that I could imagine trying to do commitment with her, but suddenly that didn’t seem enough. I shouldn’t just be trying. It should be easy and beautiful and automatic, like waking up next to her was.
And that’s when I freaked out, when running away seemed to be the best solution for the problem. Even while I was sliding out of bed trying not to wake her, while I was writing that note, I felt like the worlds biggest asshole. But no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t stop myself, couldn’t be mature enough to face the consequences even for just a short moment.

It was awful. The feeling of dread that I carried with me that whole morning. I couldn’t face this. Knowing that seeing her on set would be even more hell than leaving her oblivious, angelic and peaceful in bed had been, I decided to bring back up. But oh god that look in her eyes when she saw me with Megan before she was able to cover it up. And all the looks I have been receiving ever since are even more horrible. They give nothing away, and make me fear what lies behind them.
I deserve even more punishment than that for what a fool I have been. For what an ass I have been. We could have had something great. And I killed it time and time again.

And the way I lashed out at her when she wanted to talk? Oh God I’m such an idiot. And she probably had something really important she wanted to discuss with me. Even if she had wanted to talk about us she had more than a right to demand me to do it. Why is it that I screw up ever single time it’s something that concerns us? I have to get a grip. I’m going to change when she comes back.

I really hope she hasn’t left permanently. If anything then I would deserve to go. This is her show more than mine. Although I can’t imagine not seeing her everyday. She hasn’t been here one day and already I am going crazy.

I’m worried. I miss her and I’m sorry.
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motylik
26 October 2005 @ 07:23 pm
Sorry it took me so long. I hope you guys will like it. Please leave a comment. ;)

Part 5

Work:
If you asked Lauren to describe her day at work today, no nice words would enter her mind. Words like disastrous, awful, gruesome would be the ones that would pop up in her brain.
Not only had she been tired and cranky to begin with, they had to re-shoot a scene with Alexis, that took a long time, because she kept messing up her lines. The feeling of letting her personal feelings affect her work that much didn’t help her mood either. What was worst, or maybe best, she hadn’t decided yet, was that she hadn’t seen Scott all day. He usually always hung around even when he did not have to work, and she was getting madder by the second. He couldn’t just leave her with a note like that, that says nothing at all about anything, and then ignore her for the rest of the day.
‘He got what he wanted, so now he no longer has a reason to notice you.’
Chastising herself for having such thoughts about her co-worker, she tried not to run any more people over today. The constant bickering going on in her brain between her hopeful and her bitter, angry voice had made her very preoccupied - Resulting in three minor accidents so far.

At least people kept to themselves. They had shot worried glances her way every once in a while, but always keeping a distance, since no one had had the guts to ask what the matter was with her.
Now only if she could get to the parking lot without any incident she’d go out with Daniel and hopefully forget everything that had happened.

As Lauren nears the parking lot, she can see a group of people from the set stand there, obviously having a great time. And in the midst of them is none other than Scott.
Deciding that she had to see his reaction at least once today, she steps up to Melissa and Alexis who are discussing the books they have just finished reading and are standing a little bit off to the side.
When others notice that Lauren is now talking animatedly with Melissa and Alexis, they decide to join them too, hoping that maybe they can figure out what was wrong with the brunette the whole day, until even Scott turns and walks over to Lauren and the rest. It takes her a while before she sees him, but when she does, her eyes widen a bit, but she tears her eyes away from his, before it gets too obvious.
All the while he is standing there, he is all over his girlfriend, only taking his eyes of her to look at Lauren once, just as she notices him.

Lauren tries to steady herself, not to give in to any notion that would result in her screaming, kicking him, trying to beat him up or crying. She can’t show him that he has succeeded in hurting her this much, and prays that all her emotions aren’t visible at least this once in that one look they shared.

No one notices that Scott and Lauren haven’t exchanged a word, how should they have, when his tongue was down his girlfriend’s throat all the time.

Lauren feels jubilant when Daniel finally pulls into the parking lot and she still hasn’t made a scene. She can’t wait to get out of there and away from Scott. Despite the feeling that she isn’t being too nice to Daniel, she practically throws herself at him, as everyone in the cast cheers, and applauds, and laughs. Except for Scott, who is trying hard not to stare, not to be too obvious.

Lauren’s POV:

It’s been ages. Or it at least feels like it’s been ages, since I’ve allowed myself to think. I’m way too scared to find out how I feel, because really, could it do anyone any good?
I used to love this. Lying in bed shortly before I have to get up. Trying to get in at least some more minutes of relaxation before I have to scoot.
But now, every minute that I can relax is haunted by all the thoughts I do not want to think. I’m repressing so much that I don’t even know anymore what it really is that I’m repressing.
Maybe facing the situation would be at least slightly better than this. And as long as I don’t know what I think, I feel like I’m lying to Daniel. Which isn’t fair to him.

Really, he is such a sweet guy. And so completely in love with me and most importantly patient.

It’s really a bad sign if the thought of our talk yesterday fills me with more worry and fear than with happiness. I should be ecstatic that he wants to marry me. I should have told him that it’s cute of him to want to wait in proposing until I feel better about whatever it is that is bothering me, but that he should do it now. I should want to marry him.

I’m trying to tell myself that it’s all just because I’m so confused and my ego is bruised. That the turmoil of feelings I have felt these past couple of weeks have thrown me for a loop and I just need to sort them out and everything will be clear. And in the end I will realise that I love him and want to marry him.

That sounds very convincing, and I would believe it in a heartbeat, if it weren’t for that stupid voice at the back of my mind telling me that maybe I loved someone else. Someone who has broken what we could have had beyond repair now.

And even before I have finished that thought, I can feel the tears come, burning my eyes.
What worth is crying anyway? It doesn’t really help to find solutions. Nor does it lessen that awful feeling inside of me, the overwhelming pain.

At least people on set have barely noticed anything, thank God.

But really, I can’t go on like this. And I have decided quite long ago in an unguarded moment when I actually allowed myself to think, that I have to know his opinion about this. That I have to give him a chance to speak his mind. I can’t make my decision based on nothing but my own paranoid and hurt feelings, right?

That’s what I’ll do. And I’ll do it tomorrow. I have to after all leave myself a day in which I can built up my courage.

Next day:

The bedroom is still dark. It is way too early for it to be any other way, not even the dog is up yet. The woman sprawled over the bed is engulfed in a deep and peaceful silence, that is suddenly broken by a loud ringing noise. It takes a while for the woman to register the change in her environment before she is coherent enough to pick up the incessantly ringing phone.

Later she will think that maybe if she hadn’t picked it up, then nothing would have happened. It simply would have not been true. She will also swear that the ringing sounded angry and evil and she should have known.

When she finally hangs up, it’s silent again and still dark, but no longer peaceful. Everything has a dangerously ominous and looming quality to it. Her wide and innocent light-blue eyes, filled with unshed tears, look out of place in the hard and brutal world around her.
And she wonders, like many have before her and many will after her, how everything can change within an heartbeat, or one phone call.
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motylik
10 October 2005 @ 07:04 pm
This is the second part of what I posted last time. Sorry it was both so short but life keeps getting in the way. And the fact that my computer freezes everytime I try to update. Please leave a review after you have read. ;)

Part 4:

Next Day:
She feels disoriented as she wakes up, her gut is telling her that something is off but those first moments between waking and sleep she can’t figure out what. As she rolls over in the unfamiliar queen sized bed, she remembers with a start what happened the night before. And what the thing is that is off.

She is alone. In his bed, but alone.
She feels panicky even as she tries to reason that he probably just let her sleep in since she has that hour off today. Or he is downstairs making breakfast. And once she gets up they will have that awkward moment when they will have to discuss what will happen now, what this all meant. Trying to quell the butterflies that arise at that thought, she rolls over, her eyes still closed. Lauren Graham isn’t what anyone would call a morning person, it will take a while before she can will herself to open her eyes and get up.
As she tries to hold on to a couple of more peaceful minutes in bed, she has to fight all of the different scenarios and worrisome thoughts clouding her head. ‘This was all a mistake,’ being the most prominent one.
‘We should have talked sooner about the problem between us, then our missing each other wouldn’t have gotten this out of hand’, she thinks sadly.

Noticing for the first time how quiet the house is, her stomach drops and she has to ditch one of the possible scenarios. Scott is definitely not at home anymore.
Cursing herself for her stupidity and the tears pricking at her eyes, she decides that the less time spent in this house the better.

As she opens her eyes, she is greeted with the sight of his pillow with a small piece of paper on top. With Scott’s neat handwriting.
Lauren feels like she is holding her breath, although she can feel her chest rise, that unmistakable feeling of hope woven around a huge block of dread rising through her body to her heart.
Deciding that a quick death is much better than every other possibility she is now facing, her hand reaches out tentatively, bringing the note closer to her eyes.

“Had to leave. Scott”

Lauren closes her eyes tight, wishing the note would just disappear, wishing that she could go back in time and take the last night back. Although she can’t be sure what that note meant, it indicates nothing good. She knows Scott well enough to be certain that once he started running there won’t be anything to stop him.

If she had just broken her heart and screwed up their already screwed up relationship more, than it wouldn’t be this bad. But they had cheated. And for her it was the first time in her life.
Repressing the image of a smiling Daniel that entered her mind at that moment, she decided that crying in Scott’s bed was not a possibility. She would be nonchalant, she would go to work and be nice and civil, and maybe the note didn’t mean what she thought it meant. Maybe she could still save her heart, or at least Daniel’s.
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motylik
05 October 2005 @ 06:50 pm
So it's kinda short, but I'll try to post another short part on Friday. Studying and GG and life in general got in the way. ;) Please comment if you read. That's the only way to get better. ^^

Part 3:

1 Month later:


The tension on the set was palpable. Everyone sensed that something had changed, but no one knew what had caused it. Matt’s hobby, previously watched with benign interest was becoming the most favourite past time between the main actors and even Amy and Daniel. No one knew how to get more information out of Scott or Lauren. Even Alexis was completely out of the loop, Lauren skilfully avoiding any kind of discussion about Scott or mood changes. What puzzled everyone more than the new form of weirdness between two of the main stars, was how surprisingly comfortable Lauren was suddenly about sharing things about her new relationship. Daniel was seen more and more on the set, his appearance was practically always followed by an awful fight between Scott and Lauren, resulting in Scott bringing his girlfriend Megan to the set the next day. When you really thought about it, it was starting to be so childish that it was nearly comical.

When one day after a table reading, after nearly everyone except Lauren had already left, Amy noticed that Scott had forgotten his cell phone and his copy of the script she immediately seized the opportunity that had presented itself. Amy quickly convinced Lauren that she should go over to Scott’s house and bring him his things, and then she even could come an hour later to work the next day. Knowing that the extra sleeping time would do the trick, Amy watched how Lauren picked up all of her things all the while mulling over why the older woman was so adamant that she do this. What was her plan?

Well her plan was that maybe if those two overly stubborn people would get together outside of the set, the air would clear itself a little and maybe everything would get back to normal. It wasn’t that the working environment on the set had gotten worse or something, Lauren and Scott both being professionals that had never really been a problem, but since everyone was like a family, worrying was only natural. Amy like everyone else sensed that neither Lauren nor Scott were happy about the change in their relationship, and feeling a little bit responsible for her actors she tried to help by giving them a nudge in the right direction.

Scott was getting ready for a comfortable night of watching TV when he heard the doorbell ring. Thinking that maybe Megan had once again completely ignored his wishes to spent the night alone and relax, his mood immediately worsened. Throwing the door open he was prepared for a fight when he noticed an uncomfortable and shy looking Lauren standing on his doorstep.

“Hey.” He stepped aside to let her in, knowing that sometimes it was better if they talked behind closed doors.
“Hey. Uhm. Amy noticed that you forgot your phone and your copy of the script so she told me to bring it over to you.”
“Thanks. Do you want something to drink?”
Lauren hesitated, but since they obviously had non-verbally agreed on being civil tonight, she threw caution to the wind. “Soda. If you have any.”
“So what made you play delivery-girl? I mean it’s late and I don’t think that my house is on your way home.”
“Well Amy is very persuasive and she wanted me to do it for some reason. Maybe because I was one of the last ones around. Plus she said that I can come in to work an hour later tomorrow if I do it, and that’s an offer I couldn’t refuse, now could I?”

Smiling, she took the offered drink and tried hard to look anywhere but at him.
He on the other hand was mesmerized by her every move.
“So how have you been?” Trying to break the silence before it got uncomfortable, she prayed that they could get over their problem, because continuing like this was starting to be too stressful.

Waiting for his answer she did the first mistake that evening, or she will at least later label it as one. She looked up into his blue eyes, and suddenly she was mesmerized too.
Only on a small scale was she then aware that she had put down her drink on the counter (when did she get close enough anyway?) and that they were both inching their way towards each other.

Suddenly Lauren found herself in Scott’s arms, breathing in his scent, trying to control the butterflies in her stomach. She struggled to form a coherent thought, some sort of warning, but when he dipped his head, and spoke directly into her ear, she knew that second that she was a goner.

“I was miserable. Now I’m not anymore.”
Scott saw her move her head, and when he looked into those blue pools of sky-blue water, he felt like he wanted to curl up in there and never leave.

They stayed like that for a long while, just breathing together, looking at each other, cultivating the connection they had so far kept guarded and closed off.

When something in her eyes started to shift, he knew that he had to move now, or he would forever lose her, and despite the fact that wanting her this much no matter the consequences felt wrong somewhere in the back of his brain, and his heart too, he was compelled into action, pulled in by a magnetic force he could no longer fight. And before he knew it they were kissing, touching, groping, trying to feel as much skin as they could get at. He backed her up toward a wall, her hands slid under his shirt. His last conscious thought was that they should move this upstairs somehow. And ‘Finally.’
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motylik
26 September 2005 @ 08:18 pm
Part 2:

Earlier in the night: Matt’s POV

WB Parties aren’t that bad. You can watch people you work with show a completely different side when they are talking to journalists and bosses and fans.
Coming into an already well formed cast after four years isn’t really easy. They share a number of humorous memories, which are taken as common knowledge, unintentionally leaving you out of the insider jokes for at least a month. Finding your place in the “family” isn’t easy either. Especially if you don’t really have scenes with the most important and prominent members. But now, after a year of working on the Gilmore Girls, I feel like I truly belong to the family, am not merely a visitor.
Most importantly, I have been let in on most of the insider jokes, the knowledge that everybody knows, but no one verbalizes. And as every rule this one has an exception, too.
I am currently staring at one half of said exception, trying to figure out if what I’m trying to figure out is even figure-out-able. Great. Now I’m making up words. Maybe I should let this be the last cocktail for tonight.

Anyway, Lauren Graham is currently talking to that journalist named Kristen I think (have to make sure she doesn’t try to talk to me again later on) and I’m currently finding myself mulling over the last unsolved mystery of the Gilmore Set.
The relationship between Lauren and Scott.

I have heard about a couple of fights between those two and seen some of them myself, but those fights most of the time made me even more curious than appeased me. So obviously I don’t believe the “They hate each other.”-rumour.
Especially after I have seen them being overall nice to each other too. Not just civil but downright nice. And none of them has ever said anything bad about the other in an interview, which would be a first for actors who don’t like each other.

But what surprises and confuses me most is their co-stars behaviour when I asked them about Scott and Lauren.

When that journalist from TV Guide was over and asked us a couple of questions I was surprised that Lauren and Scott weren’t miming best friends, ‘cause obviously they can do that. What better way would there have been to shut that rumour up? Plus it never is good if the fans think that the stars of their TV-Shows don’t get along. So why didn’t the WB order them to be nice to each other?
When I asked Alexis if the WB wasn’t concerned that viewers would stop watching if they found out the rumour was true, she looked at me as if I were insane.
‘Why should they be concerned?’

And that was that. She refused to explain further.

So what is the deal with those two?
Gah. I’m giving myself a headache.

God. Lauren does look hot tonight. And she’s an amazing actress too. It’s such a shame that she wasn’t nominated for the Emmy. I kind of took it for granted she would be, especially after that Ad from her fans. I hope I’ll have more scenes with her this season than I had in the last. There’s a lot I can learn from her, and from Edward and Kelly. Those three actors are amazing. Their interaction backstage is awesome too. You don’t see such open friendship between most of the actors on shows so often.

But really Scott couldn’t be more obvious. Despite the fact that he is talking to someone he still constantly manages to look over to where Lauren is standing on the other side of the room. I personally think that the guy has a crush on her. But who can blame him?
Could all the fighting be just repressed frustration? Hm…

Now we have contact. God I feel like in fourth grade.
So either Lauren often looks over her back when talking to people, or she felt Scott’s eyes on her, or she was looking for him. Now I’m overanalysing.

It’s such a shame that Yanic is engaging in conversation, as he likes to call it, with that lady over there and Alexis isn’t here. They both very much enjoy my speculating about Scott and Lauren and maybe I could finally get them drunk enough to tell me what the deal is with those two.

Even if I sound like a two year old, I really, really, really want to know.

“Hey. I didn’t know you would be here too.“
How did I manage not to see her walking over here?
“Hi Lauren. Well I couldn’t miss such an event like this could I now?”
Try to wipe that guilty look off your face man, or she’ll think the wrong thing, or the right thing. Great now she’s looking at me funny.
“Are you ok? You look kinda distracted.” She eyes the drink in my hand and tries unsuccessfully to hide her smirk. Great now I’m going to be the talk of the whole set tomorrow. Think fast.
“Yeah, I’m just worried about Scott.” Seeing her what-are-you-talking-about-look I continue with my half truth. Scott had been acting strange for a week now and even Edward commented on it yesterday.
“Well he doesn’t seem to be enjoying himself that much. And he’s here without his girlfriend, which is a first I heard. Didn’t you notice that he had been acting strange lately?”
I can’t decide whether she is such a good actress or I am looking for clues that are not there. No reaction to the absent girlfriend apart from amusement and worry at the mention of his strange behaviour. Damn. Good thing I didn’t become a reporter. I would totally suck.

“I did notice him acting strange. I didn’t know that you two were so close that you would worry that much.” She raises an eyebrow and I feel like I got caught in my own game. I shrug my shoulders in response trying hard not to be hypnotised by the blue of her eyes to a point where I’ll just spill that I’m too obsessed with her relationship with the man we are currently discussing (and who is looking at me like he is ready to kill if I get any closer to Lauren) for my own liking.

Lauren giggles and pats my back comfortingly and I’m confused for a second.
“Don’t worry. It’s okay to be nosy. Or how I like to call it one of the more attentive and curious natured people.” She gives me a smirk, her eyes twinkling in mischief and I can’t help but laugh with her.

We talk about our summer projects and the upcoming season, and I suddenly have to remember Alexis’ reaction when I after a couple of days on the set without having seen Lauren too often yet asked whether Lauren really was a diva like some people said. The poor girl nearly choked on her drink. And that death glare I received. Now laughing comfortably with Lauren I can’t think but how stupid I must have seemed to even ask that question.

Thinking about Scott’s strange behaviour and the way Lauren completely refused to even discuss it further (good topic change, have to remember that for future occurrences) I am more convinced than ever that the fact that his bad mood started roaring its ugly head when Lauren’s new boyfriend started picking her up from the set more often aren’t a mere coincidence. As if knowing I’m thinking about her and Scott again Lauren gives me a look that makes me reconsider bringing the topic of Scott up again.

How do women do that?
I shake my thoughts off and concentrate on Lauren again only to catch the last of her sentence.
“… purse is new. I would have to hurt you severely if you spilled your drink on it.”
So that look she gave me was because I nearly spilled my drink on her purse. Oh well.


Scott’s POV:

She looks great tonight. Not that she doesn’t always look amazing, but she does look especially nice tonight. Good thing I didn’t take Megan with me today. I don’t think she would appreciate me staring at another woman… A woman I get to paid to kiss at that!
I swear that I’m nearly drooling. Get a grip man, you’re surrounded by people. You can’t be this obvious.
I’m still surprised she didn’t take Daniel or whatever her boyfriend’s name is to go with her. With how often he is on the set picking her up she might as well go public with it all the way, although she never does that. Why am I interested in that anyway? It’s none of my business.
How she could pick such a guy though. Well yes I suppose he is good looking and has money and is nice and successful and what not, but seriously, they just don’t fit together. He isn’t her type.

And I’m not interested in her that way. I am just worried about her as a friend. That’s normal right? After five years of working together it’s normal to be worried she picked the wrong guy. Yep that’s it. Plus I like to look, there’s nothing wrong with being appreciative of the beautiful things on this earth.

God the blue of her eyes is even more mesmerizing with that blue top she’s wearing. Wait, when did she look over her shoulder?

I’m a social guy. I like parties and gatherings. So why aren’t I enjoying myself?
Stop looking over there and start having fun, dammit!

Okay that didn’t work either.

It’s really annoying how after all those times that I fought with Lauren when she had been in a bad mood and let it out on the set that now I’m doing exactly the same. Have been doing for a while now. I’m waiting for Amy to knock on my door and tell me to get a grip soon. And I really hate it that Lauren is more patient with me than I am usually with her.
Did I just sigh?
Great. Not only am I talking to myself but I am also sighing to myself now. I’m completely losing it.

And I will deny it to my dying day that it could have anything to do with the beautiful actress I work with and her new annoying boyfriend. Every time I think of him I feel like doing at least an hour of kickboxing.

Now she’s talking to Matt. Maybe I’m paranoid but I feel like that kid is watching me. And Lauren. I should discuss that with her. Maybe she noticed it too. ‘Cause it’s annoying to be watched by a co-worker. It’s not that it would give me an excuse to talk to her. No way.

Plus even if we had a thing for each other it wouldn’t work. She wants commitment, I don’t do commitment. It would all end in heartbreak. But that’s a completely hypothetical scenario anyway, because we don’t have a thing for each other.

Where is she going? Maybe there’s something interesting over there. I better follow her.
You really are pathetic, Patterson.
Shut up, you want to follow her too.


Lauren’s POV:

Matt can be really cute sometimes. I have no idea what he was thinking about when I came up to him but he sure was very distracted. Maybe I should grill Alexis about that. She could know what’s on his mind since they work together more often. I really hope Matt and I have more scenes this season. He is great to work with.

I’m either being even more paranoid than usually or I’m really being watched by more than one person. The most interesting one being Scott. Why didn’t he take his girlfriend along? Even Matt has no idea and Scott usually always takes his girlfriends to events.

Lauren, Scott is none of your business so stop mulling about that. Think how much you miss Daniel.

…Because that will work.

I need fresh air. And a cigarette. Right now it’s too crowded. In my brain, and in this room. Damn Matt for bringing up Scott. And damn Scott for watching me and being in a bad mood for a few days. (The days that Daniel has been showing up on the set.)

Argh. I didn’t just think that.
Let’s see, I need to call my Dad, and buy groceries tomorrow. I don’t think I have anymore dog food and it’s bad enough that one newspaper said I’m not a dog person, I don’t have to prove that to Hannah too by letting her starve. Boy did the guys on set have a field day with that article.
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motylik
20 September 2005 @ 03:06 pm
So I'm posting this here cause I'm too lazy to do a site for it. ;) Thanks to Cat and Romy for betaing! I will post the next chapters when I have them ready, and if people will want me to continue this story. It's L/S so don't read if you don't agree with that.



Part 1 of Mind blowing Blue:

Outside of the WB Summer Party 2005:

It is dark outside already and thankfully that means that no one is near the backdoor. She stands in the semi dark, watching her cigarette burn in fascination, mentally going over the lines that she would have to know for tomorrows shooting. As strange as it sounds, doing mental chores like that relaxes her.

The door creaks while being opened behind her, but she does not turn around, nor does she break her concentration.

He stands, the door behind his back and watches her profile. Having worked with her for quite a while he recognizes the look on her face as one of concentration. Knowing her the way he does, he is sure she is reciting lines in her head. Maybe even for the show.

“I thought you stopped.” He smiles leisurely gesturing to the cigarette.
Despite the fact that he has spoken quite suddenly, she is not surprised. She had heard him come and knew it was him. Maybe that knack of knowing where he was without seeing him would go away sometime too, she hopes sadly.

“I tried to. Again I might add. But with the schedule and trying to keep my weight, there had to be one guilty pleasure that I had to grand myself.”
Only now does she break her concentration on the cigarette and looks up with the slightest of smiles tracing her features. The blue of his eyes stands out even in the dark and she is surprised by it for a second.

His grin widens at seeing that one unguarded emotion flicker across her face. Everyone knows that her eyes are the most expressive blue but only a few know that you need a key to understand the most important emotions, the ones hidden deep within her mended heart. Sometimes, and only in moments like these, he wishes he had the guts to ask for that key, and keep it forever, well hidden and cherished.

But she turns away, when the gaze gets too intense for her to bear, and the cigarette nearly burns her finger. Extinguishing it with her heel, she tries to come up with something to say. Anything really to break this silence screaming with tension.

“Why didn’t you bring your girlfriend along?”
Well maybe silence would have been better than that. Mentally slapping herself, she tries to talk herself out of the mess she thinks she made, trying to stop his confusion turn into anger. She shouldn’t be sticking her nose into his business anyway. That’s what he told her at least years ago. And she shouldn’t really remember every hurtful argument they had.

“Well, I mean, you usually come to these things in company, and I met Megan… so…I…well I know that you have a girlfriend, but… I know that it’s non of my business … I was just curious. And trying to fill the …”

He was obviously amused after the first words of her babbling spill forth and she can’t help but hate him for finding her adorable when all she wants to do is disappear. But then that grin, and the look in his eyes and then he put his finger on her lips to stop her from saying anymore, and when did breathing become this difficult?, she thinks.

Trying to act nonchalant he keeps the grin on his face, even though she can see the turmoil in his eyes that his thoughtless gesture has created. In an attempt to convince himself, or her, that they aren’t affected by his finger on her lips in the slightest he keeps him there. Longer than he should he knows, but as she said earlier, he has to grand himself at least one guilty pleasure too.
But what he says next, startles them both.
“Why didn’t you bring your boyfriend along?”

She steps back, feeling like he crossed a boundary he shouldn’t have. Curiousness and nosiness are her characteristics, not his. He never talks to her about her boyfriends, she never mentions them. Looking past him, trying to flex her tired eyes to focus on the door even in the dark, she tries to shake the venom in his voice that he couldn’t keep from creeping in.
He thinks about bolting fleetingly, knowing that the damage is done and would only be worse tomorrow he braces himself and lets his still outstretched hand fall limp next to his body. Looking at her tired and contemplative expression, and her eyes brimming with something he can’t put his finger on, he can’t even be angry at her. She isn’t either, and he would be if he were in her shoes, so he can’t be an ass and use this kind of defence mechanism against her now. Not when he has created the situation.

She sighs, and drags her gaze back to his. Every time he thinks that he knows what she will do, she surprises him anew.

Her voice is meaningful and serious. Uncharacteristically slow and deliberate is her pronunciation, and he feels his stomach drop at the realisation that he will probably screw this up. Because he always does when a woman talks to him this way. But this time he actually feels like he is about to lose something big, something he doesn’t want to lose.

“If you have anything to say to me, say it now. Don’t do it later when you’ll break my heart with it.”

Anger immediately fills him. How can she act as if he was the bad guy in this scenario!

“I won’t. There’s nothing to say!” Glaring at her, he watches her leave, her head held high.
Only later, when he is laying alone in his bed, remembering and trying to figure out what went wrong, he remembers what he didn’t see through his rage in that moment.
The pleading look in her eyes, the desperation and hopelessness mingled with a little bit of hope that was extinguished the second he opened his mouth, the slumping of her shoulders, the tears hiding deep in the abyss of her blue oceans, the little part of her that he killed, that little part of him he killed.
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